When a Grandchild Dies
No one expects to outlive their own children, much less their grandchildren.
It is so difficult to raise a family, see our children do the same,
and see the cycle broken in this out-of-order way. No one is prepared
for the grief that follows. As a grandparent you have a double grief.
You grieve for you grandchild who has died, as well as for your
own child who is now a bereaved parent. You not only feel your own
pain and sadness, but feel helpless and frustrated at not being
able to help your bereaved child.
It helps to remember that there is no timetable for grief. Don't
expect too much of your child, his or her spouse or of yourself.
At first no one believes it. When the reality "hits" everyone
feels even more devastated. It is important to consider your needs
as well as those of your bereaved child. Acknowledging and working
on your grief will help you and, indirectly, your grieving child.
Don't be surprised if at first you can't reach out to your grieving
child. Remember that you are grieving. Be patient with yourself.
Eventually you may be able to talk, listen and help. If you find
that you can't help specifically with the grief you can send cards,
tell them that you love them, etc. Explain that you wish that you
could be of more help but that you don't know what to do.
Suggestions for Helping Yourself and Your Grieving Child
Read about grief. It is important to understand what you
and your child are experiencing.
It helps to be open and share your feelings. Your openness
sets a good example for your child. Share the good memories and
the good days as well as the pain of grief and the bad days.
Talk about your dead grandchild. Mention his/her name.
Find someone with whom you can talk freely - a friend, support
group member, clergy, or counselor.
Be available to LISTEN frequently to your child. Respect
your child's way of handling the pain and expressing the grief.
Don't tell your child how he or she should react.
At special times (anniversary of death, birthdays, holidays)
write and/or call your bereaved child (and his or her spouse). Mention
that you realize what day it is. You are calling to say you love
them and you wish that you could take some of their pain away.
When adults are grieving, the child's siblings often feel
neglected - plus they don't understand the grief that they themselves
are experiencing. Try to spend extra time with your other bereaved
grandchildren, offering to listen and reminding them that they are
very important and much loved.
If possible, offer to take surviving grandchildren for an
afternoon or a day; help with practical matters, such as preparing
food, doing laundry, shopping; spend time alone with your child.
Most of us need hugs, even if we don't recognize that we
do. It helps to hug and hold your child if you both are comfortable
doing so.
Allow yourself and encourage your child to cry when needed.
Crying offers relief.
Let the family know that you care; that you love them.
Hold on the HOPE that eventually you/they will enjoy life again.
Offer HOPE to your grieving child and family.
From Hope Bereaved Handbook, AGAST
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