Children's Understanding of Death
This chart is to be used as a guideline. All children develop at
different rates and it is important to remember that parents know
their own child the best.
Newborn to Three Years
Child's Perception: An Infant/Toddler can sense when there is excitement,
sadness and anxiety in the home; can sense when a significant person
is missing.
No understanding of death
Absorbs emotions of others around her/him
May show signs of irritability; crying
May exhibit changes in eating and in bowel and bladder movements
Requires physical care, affection, reassurances
Providing Support:
Keep normal routines and structure whenever possible
Frequently give affection and reassurance
Provide warm, loving caretaker when parent is not available
Model healthy coping behaviors
Three to Six Years
Child's Perception: Child thinks death is reversible; temporary,
like going to sleep or when a parent goes to work; believes that
people who die will come back.
"Magical thinking" - believes their thoughts,
actions or words may have caused the death or that death is punishment
for bad behavior
Greatly impacted by parents emotional state
Has difficulty handling spiritual concepts
Regressive behaviors; bed-wetting, security blanket, thumb
sucking, etc.
Difficulty talking about how they feel, therefore may act
out feelings
Increased aggression - more irritable
Will ask the same questions repeatedly in efforts to begin
making sense of loss
Only capable of showing sadness for short periods of time; will
escape into play
Providing Support:
Keep normal routines and structure whenever possible
Provide opportunities to play, draw
Read books on death and loss with child
Help to verbalize feelings and fears; gently discuss "magical
thinking"
Be honest and tell a child if you do not have an answer
Gently explain what has happened and be specific and honest
about physical reality of death. Avoid "your sister/brother
has gone to sleep or went away"
Make sure child does not feel responsible for the death
Be tolerant of regressive behaviors
Model healthy coping behaviors
Give affection and reassurance
Six to Nine Years
Child's Perception: Child begins to somewhat understand the
finality of death
Fear that death is contagious and other loved ones will
"catch it" and die, too
Very curious about the body and may worry own the deceased
can eat or breathe
Connects death with violence and may ask, "Who killed
him?"
Asks more detailed questions
Guilt - may possible blame self for death
Continues to have difficulty expressing feelings, which may
cause aggression
Afraid to go to school or be away from the home, especially
if living with a single parent
Continues to have difficulty with spirituality
Providing Support:
Talk and ask questions with child
Make sure child does not feel responsible in any way
Identify specific fears; share bad dreams
Provide opportunity for play, drawing, art
Be honest and tell a child if you do not have an answer
Help them with positive memories of the deceased
Model healthy coping behaviors
Avoid "Don't worry, things will be O.K.," "You're
such a strong boy/girl"
Use honest words. Avoid "Your brother went to sleep and
is now in heaven"
Nine to Thirteen Years
Child's Perception: Child's understanding is nearer to adult
understanding of death; more aware of finality of death and impact
the death has on them.
Concerned with how their world will change with the loss
of the relationship; "am I still a big sister/brother?"
Fewer questions and a fragile independence
May at first seem as if nothing has happened, then a grief
reaction will surface
Beginning to develop an interest in spirituality
Disrupted relationships with peers; uncomfortable being at
school
Increased anger, guilt
Self conscious about their fears (of own death of parents)
Providing Support:
Encourage discussions, writing or drawing of their feelings
Allow for regressive behaviors
Be honest and tell a child when you do not have an answer
Relieve child from attempts to take over adult responsibilities
Model healthy coping behaviors
Avoid "You must be strong so I don't have to worry about
you", or "Big boys don't cry"
Thirteen to Eighteen Years
Adolescent's Perception: Adolescent has adult understanding about
death.
Increased risk taking in effort to reduce anxiety
May act indifferent to death of someone close as a protection
against feelings
Wants to grieve with his/her peers, not adults
May need permission to grieve
Feels anger, depression
Escapes; drives fast, uses drugs or alcohol, sexually acts
out
Denial - tries not to think about it, doesn't want to talk
about it
Questions religious/spiritual beliefs
Providing Support:
Don't assume they can handle themselves and their problems
without help, support
Be available, but don't push
Help them find peers who will support their feelings for
find other trusted adults
Give permission for regression
Be honest and say when you do not have an answer
Assist in relieving adolescent of burden of adult responsibilities
Help with reckless behavior
Discuss feelings of helplessness
Model healthy coping behaviors
Avoid "You've got to be strong to help your mother;"
"You seem to be taking this so well"
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