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Taking Care of Yourself
Give yourself permission, time and space to grieve.
Don't pretend that death doesn't hurt.
Feel free to protest the "why" of the death.
Don't judge your level of grief and healing by how others
are grieving and healing, but by your own internal awareness.
Understand and accept your limitations.
Respect the grieving method and timetable of your spouse.
Don't escape into loneliness.
Get rid of imagined guilt and "if only."
Laughter doesn't mean you are being disrespectful to your
child's memory.
Confront the fears of your death and the death of other loved
ones.
Cry.
Eat nutritiously, and take a vitamin supplement containing
400 micrograms of folic acid every day.
Honestly express your feelings about this death to people
who will understand and not be judgmental, and who will not be hurt
by our honest expression of feelings.
Not crying doesn't mean you don't remember.
It is fine to either enjoy being around other people's babies,
or to be uncomfortable.
Exercise to improve sleep.
Set small goals.
Accept others' verbal, nonverbal and physical expressions
of caring for you.
Postpone major decisions, such as selling your home or changing
jobs.
The decision to have or not have another child is yours alone.
The question "How many children do you have?" is a
difficult one, and you may find yourself answering it in the manner
which best fits the situation and/or your own needs at that time.
Consider participation in support groups; grief shared can
be grief diminished.
Avoid masking the pain with drugs or alcohol.
Recognize that seeking professional counseling doesn't mean
you are weak, inadequate or crazy.
Use religion, philosophy, poetry, music, art gardening, tennis,
walks at nature centers, reading, volunteer work to gain relief
and understand.
Talk about your experience to friends who were involved and
to friends who were not involved with the death.
Accept your friends with all their imperfections and occasional
bad advice; you too have your moments of imperfection.
Tell others what you want from them: help, emotional support,
time sharing.
Recognize that you may not always want to talk about your
baby; sometimes there is great relief being where no one knows you've
lost a child.
Realize that you cannot prevent, cure or skip the grief process;
the only way OUT is THROUGH.
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