Helping Children through the Funeral Process
Deciding Whether or Not Children Should Attend the Visitation
and Funeral
The purpose of a funeral service is to pay tribute to a life that
has been lived - regardless of how short that life has been. A memorial
service of some kind is important because it provides a formal,
public opportunity for the beginning of healing. Taking part in
a visitation for the dead sibling at the funeral home can help brothers
and sisters start to understand the difference between being alive
and being dead. It can also give them a chance to say good-bye in
their own special way.
- Someone close to the child should explain what the visitation,
funeral, burial, or other rituals will be like in order to help
the child decide whether or not to attend.
- Children understand a lot more at younger ages than adults
sometimes think they do, and probably more than adults understood
at their age.
- It may help to think of how old you were when you attended
your first funeral, and what you own reactions were.
- Funerals serve the purpose of allowing adults and children
alike to share their grief, express their feelings, and begin
to understand that death has occurred. The attempt to "protect"
children by keeping them away from the funeral may instead make
them feel "left out" of an important family activity
at a time when they are in special need of feeling loved and included.
- However, forcing a child to attend the funeral or to view the
baby's body is counterproductive. But if they can at least attend
the funeral, it may help them cope more effectively with later
losses in the family. Let them move at their own pace.
- Try to give children opportunities to talk about what is on
their minds. They may have their own reasons for not wanting to
take part in a funeral or other memorial activity. Adults can
make an effort to try to understand a child's reasons and responses,
and can discuss them with the child.
- If it is decided that the children will attend the funeral,
parents, grandparents, or another close adult should explain in
more detail what they can expect, I.e., what will happen, how
or in what order it will take place, what the funeral home will
be like, who else will be there, how others are likely to act,
and how the children will be expected to act.
- The family and the funeral director should set aside a quiet,
private time, for just the family to say good-bye, hold the baby,
and have children an opportunity to ask their questions. No one
outside the immediate family should be present at this time, because
the child gathers strength from the family and may be intimidated
by strangers.
- During public activities, children should not be left to "fend
for themselves." Ask someone to whom the children are close
to stay with them. This should be a person who can be trusted
to answer their questions in ways which will reinforce the beliefs
of the parents and family. This will also ensure that someone
will be available to take the children home early, if necessary.
- It is very important when a child is about to view the body
of his or her brother or sister for the first time that someone
close to them should hold his or her hand. This allows that child
to gain support from that individual and have someone to look
to as a model to imitate during this traumatic time.
- If a surviving sibling is very young and attending the visitation
or funeral does not seem appropriate, other options might be considered.
A close family member or friend could bring the child for a very
brief time and then stay with the child at home until the rest
of the family returns. In instances when attendance may be considered
to be inappropriate, very small children could be included in
a private family time before or after the funeral.
Preparing Children for the Funeral
- Tell children in advance what to expect from other people.
People may appear to be "just chatting." Some people
may laugh, while others may cry; both reactions are equally "okay."
Let children know that however they feel is also "okay."
- Some children may have a need to touch or kiss the baby. Explain
what that may be like.
- It is especially important to use the words "dead"
or "death" in explaining what has happened to the baby.
This will help to prevent confusion and begin to teach the child
that death is a natural part of life. Phrases such as "he
went away" or "she went to sleep" often cause misunderstanding
and unnecessary fear. Sometimes it may be necessary to explain
other terms that children may hear people use to describe death,
i.e., "passed away," "kicked the bucket,"
etc.
- If children are familiar with their beliefs, death can be explained
within their own religious context. However, it is important not
to use statements that may confuse children, such as "God
wanted the baby," which may lead children to believe that
God may want them next.
- Adults who can display openly their own natural grief will
help children to learn appropriate mourning behavior.
Preparing for Questions Children May Ask
- Start by asking children what they have already heard or may
be thinking about the death. Ask them what questions they have.
Tell them what happened as soon and as honestly as possible. "Debunk"
rumors and correct misinformation.
- Reassure them that SIDS is not contagious, that it only happens
to very tiny babies, and that they themselves will not also die
from SIDS.
- Sometimes siblings feel that they are responsible for the death
because they may at times have wished that the baby would just
"go away." Reassure children that no one is to blame
for the baby's death -- including them.
- Reassure them also that they are not going to lose mom and
dad.
- Address the issue of the baby being taken to the hospital by
the ambulance, if this was the case, and not coming back. Some
children have had a hard time not believing that their baby sister
or brother is still just at the hospital.
- If resuscitation was attempted in the child's presence, explain
that you and/or the paramedics did everything possible to try
to keep the baby from dying. Some children can become confused
and may believe that the CPR was the cause of the baby's death.
- Children often need reassurance that their own life, schedule,
and activities will stay the same - as much as that is possible.
- Always encourage children to continue to ask their questions
and to express their feelings.
- Remember that their questions and reactions are likely to reflect
their own level of development, life experiences and individual
personalities. Younger children may ask more concrete questions
("Is it cold in the coffin?); older children may have more
"technical questions ("What does embalming mean?).
- There is no more important consideration than dealing with
each situation in the context of the child's own cultural, ethnic,
and religious beliefs. Tell people who want to help, that they
can do this best by reinforcing what the parents and family are
telling their children.
- Expect to encounter occasionally some resistance from people
who disagree with these parental messages. Explain to such people
that their concerns are appreciated, but that at this difficult
time one must do what the parents and family feel is right for
them and for their children.
Include Children in Rituals and Memorials
- Children need to be involved in family activities in appropriate
ways. Some may take part in specific funeral arrangements; others
can be involved in related activities, such as choosing flowers
(or a flower) from them for the baby. A particular child might
decide whether or not to put a flower in the casket. Sometimes
including children in selecting clothing helps them fell a part
of the process. Seeing their brother or sister in familiar clothing
may help with their acceptance and relieve anxiety.
- Depending on the age of the child, a sibling may want to choose
a special toy or picture to put in the casket. Younger children
could color a picture and put it with the baby; older children
may want to write a letter about how they feel.
- Each surviving child may like to have some remembrance of the
baby to keep, such as an article of clothing, toy, or picture.
- Children can also be encouraged to remember their brother or
sister in different ways in the years following the death. Keeping
pictures around or revisiting an album of photographs can be ways
to encourage conversations about the baby.
Closing Thoughts
The information listed above focuses on how to help children
through the funeral process. It is important to remember that
each child, family, and situation is unique. This information
is to be used only as a guide. Feel free to adapt what fits
for you and the children you are helping.
Resources from SIDS Resources, Inc. (The SIDS Building
Blocks Program)
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