Helping Bereaved Parents
Please Do…
- Do let your genuine concern and caring show.
- Do be available… to listen, to run errands, to help with
the children or whatever else seems to be needed. Make specific
offers for things you'd be able to do and continue to make them
for several months.
- Do say you are sorry about what has happened to their child
and about their pain.
- Do allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at
the moment and are willing to share.
- Do encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect
too much and not to impose any "shoulds" on themselves.
- Do allow them to talk about the child they have lost as much
and as often as they want to.
- Do talk about the special endearing qualities of the child that
has died.
- Do give special attention to the child's siblings at the funeral
home, during the funeral and in the months to come. They, too,
are deeply hurt and in need of attention which their parents may
not be able to give at this time or for quite some time.
- Do reassure them that they did everything they could, that the
medical care received was the best, or whatever else you know
to be true and positive about the care given to their child.
Please Don't…
- Don't let your own sense of helplessness and fear keep you from
reaching out to a bereaved parent.
- Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided
by friends and acquaintances adds pain to an already intolerably
painful experience.
- Don't tell them what they "should" feel or do.
- Don't say, "You ought to be feeling better by now,"
or anything else which implies judgment about their feeling.
- Don't change the subject when they mention their dead child.
- Don't avoid mentioning the child's name out of fear of reminding
them of their pain. They haven't forgotten it for one second.
- Don't point out that at least they have other children. Children
are not interchangeable; they cannot replace the child who is
gone. Don't say, "You can always have another child."
Even if they want to and could, another child will not fill the
void left by the child who died.
- Don't suggest they should be grateful for their other children.
Grief over the loss of one child does not discount parents' love
and appreciation of their living children.
- Don't make any comments which in any way suggest the care given
the child at home, in the emergency room, hospital or wherever
was inadequate. Parents are plagued by feelings of doubt and guilt
without any "help" from their family and friends.
- Don't say "I know how you feel" and "time heals
all wounds" unless you do know how it feels.
- Don't pretend it never happened or the child never existed.
Remember that grieving is a personal experience. Although we cannot
know how another individual will feel as they move through their
grief, we can give our support by acknowledging the loss and reaching
out to show we care.
The Do's and Don'ts were written by Lee Schmidt, Parent Bereavement
Outreach, Santa Monica, CA 90402
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